He Didn’t Stop, Even After I Did

Chapter 1: The Cycle That Wouldn’t Break

Even after he raped me, even after I screamed in his face about that night he snapped and I let him back in. I didn’t want to, I wasn’t okay with it, but I was still trauma bonded.

He’d promise change, threaten suicide, begged for help. I kept hoping he’d get better, but he only got better at slipping through the cracks. Even when I kicked him out, he’d break in. Crawl back into my bed like nothing happened. When I would say no, he’d grope me and claim he was checking my heartbeat, still pretending it was care instead of control.

Like I hadn’t just sobbed into the mattress days before and when I said no, he’d grope me again. Press his hands between my legs.

“It’s to feel your heartbeat,” he said.
Still pretending it was protection.
But it was never love. It was ownership.

Chapter 2: The Numbing Game

I didn’t want to feel anymore. So I smoked the Marijuana he brought home from his dealer. Intended to help me sleep (through the abuse). Then he introduced THC oil . This becomes a daily dose that quickly turned in to twice daily, that turned into poison. I wasn’t trying to get high, I was trying to avoid conflict and avoid the atmosphere I couldn’t be heard in. I was trying to disappear at night.

“Take it once a day,” he said.
“No, now twice a day.”

It was poison. He didn’t want me high. He wanted me silent. Unresisting. Gone.

He didn’t want peace. He wanted power and the weed made me passive. Present, but numb. Awake, but trapped.

Chapter 3: Enablers and Escape

When I finally told the truth, when I said the word rape, people turned away. His mother said we needed ‘couple’s counseling.’’

Couples counselling.
For rape? For Assault?
For gaslighting.
For control.

That’s when I realized: she wasn’t shocked. She already knew and she chose to protect him. She was just a monster who created the monster.

That was my turning point. I realised no one was going to save me, so I did. last time. I grabbed my kids and left with nothing but the truth, to return that night to finally an empty house.

But leaving didn’t end it. The threats came, lies and rumours. He painted me as unstable while he played the victim and the world it listened to him.

Chapter 5: Faith and Final Truths

I asked God why. Why He didn’t stop it? Why no one believed me? Why I had to lose everything just to feel peace?

But He was there, in every silent night. In every tear. He didn’t cause it. But He carried me.

To the one still waiting to leave you only need 30 seconds of bravery to say: ‘Not one more night.’ If no one else believes you, I do.

It. Was. Rape. Even in marriage. Even in sleep. Even when your voice was gone.

Let me be clear.

Yes — I was married.
Yes — I said no.
Yes — he did it anyway.

That is rape.

Marriage is not a license.
Drugs are not consent.
Freezing is not agreement.
And unconsciousness is not permission.

What he did was rape repeatedly, manipulatively, and violently. And I will not stay quiet to protect the comfort of those who enabled it.

Affirmation:

“My safety is not selfish. My body is not negotiable.”

Prayer:

God, give me the strength to walk and not look back. Let me trust the tug of truth in my soul. Remind me that leaving doesn’t make me weak, it makes me free. Amen.